..FASHIONISTAS ..
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.. HRITHIK ..
.. QUOTES ..

I am not the author of a best selling novel, just a writer who's got her own views and ideas. These are just a few notions that I have developed through my experiences in the passage of time. Having written various articles over the years for consumer publications, I wanted to create my space where I was my own editor and reach out to readers like you, who would read a line and say, "Yeah, I've been there too". And so I bring to you my own publication completely uncensored. Pick up any subject you like and sooth your intellectual senses. Indulge in read like never before....
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Date: 19/01/02
Title: Spot, love, scan and ooops!

I was watching this movie yesterday. Everything about it was stereotypical. The characters that we see in movies are so cliché, so unrealistic. Maybe that's the fun is seeing a movie. Boy meets a girl and falls in love. No, it's a boy SEES a girl and falls in love. Where does this logic really apply? Why are we so quick in naming it love? I am against people who see a person and declare that they have fallen in love. Who would fit into this category? Teenagers, sophomores, imitators and people with no brains! The problem is that love is like a Mercedes or BMW. It's something everybody must have. You can call it social status. Something that would be your pride and neighbour's envy!

These movies and characters are not always fictitious. We have all come across characters like these. We have all been there. I remember my first crush, a person whom I used to SEE traveling every day in another school bus (I was 14). All I did was look at him everyday and talk about him with my friends. How dumb! Looks can drive anyone crazy. What is it about looks? It's sheer sanity. It's like dreaming with eyes open.

From the time you enter teens till whenever one thing never ends-search for love. No matter where we are whether a club or the grocery store there's this silent spy in us searching for that true love. What are we searching for when we are not even sure of what it is? Would you call this immaturity? Maybe it's a natural process. Think about it. The moment something pleasant comes in front of our eyes, the first reaction is "Maybe it's him". That desire is awake every moment. And no matter where we are it does flash once. Everything seems pleasant for a short moment and then the signal goes "oops wrong number". I remember this girl who spot a cute guy in a party and started popping like pop corn. Once she talked to him she avoided him like a rotten egg. This whole concept of losing your sense by seeing a face beats me. But then Miss M always says-This list has no exceptions.

If you happen to turn the pages and analyze your past crushes and ex flings, you would realize in so many cases you could have been foolish. After the whole episode you would be like "Yikes, how could I be so naive and foolish?"

You can be moved, you can be attracted , you can be mesmerized but you cannot fall in love at first sight. But then why is that in every movie, the boy SEES the girl and immediately uses the statement-"I LOVE HER". 80% of the time the moment a crush opens the mouth, he/she no longer remains a crush.

On screen (and maybe even off), the age old story continues and will last for ages to come. It's time we redefined the statement of love. Be it in movies, in publications, in books, in songs and most important in real life. I feel that you need to fall in love with life first. You need to fall in love with yourself before giving your heart to someone else. In fact don't give your heart, let it be taken. I would say if you are going to bump into Mr. right some day you will. Just wait for that day to come. If it's meant to be, it is meant to happen.

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Date: 21/12/2001
Title: Come close and let loose!

The closer you come the further you go?
Could this be true?
Over the years we build up a bond with loads of people. Some of them come really close to our hearts. But getting close actually diminishes the pleasantness of the bond. It is so easy to get close to people and so difficult to avoid the affectionates. From one small gesture to an immense flow of feelings, we build a relationship, a bond that takes us for a endless roller coaster ride. And then it's this continuous exchange of tension, complaints and grievances.

The whole beauty of what you had is actually lost when you come close. This actually varies to what kind of relationship you share with an individual. There are few relationships where the mutual understanding is in excess and the power to forgive and forget is also great. This is what you would call unconditional love. But then there are these complicated set of relationships where the interaction is very discrete. On one side there is genuine love and affection and on the other lack of understanding and proper communication. These are very fragile bonds which break easily and then you spend the next few months mending them and then again they break and the same process continues.

When you come close to someone, you tend to get extremely affectionate and then rises the demand for emotions and even more understanding. Some people find hard to meet this flow and then it produces heat and smoke. Thus the minute they come very close, the same minute the relationship explodes. While dealing with them either party finds difficult to follow the policy of forgive and forget. Here is where the policy of unconditional love becomes inapplicable. These people follow a tit for tat policy. So if they go one step for you, you need to immediately take another or else the grudge builds in their mind. They have a heavy appetite for emotions and get affected easily.

One minute you think that you will keep a certain distance with these people but then somehow the relationship takes a new turn every now and then. Sometimes you have to question the very base of the relationship and if there really is true love there. It's in these kind of relationships where your ego is thrown in the dustbin. It is stepped on again and again and the only thing you can do is be silent.

A fragile relationship is an endless passage of emotions. You are not sure whether you will get through the next voyage. At the end, it leaves a sour feeling in your heart and the whole complexity wears you out. The more you give the person the lesser it seems.

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Date: 09/08/2001
Title: Parental connection

As human being, we go through a cycle of relationships- that of a child, of a sibling, of a parent and eventually grandparent. It is not necessary that we become Gods to magnify the relationships but do full justice and give a colorful life to them.

Being a child and being a parent are two interrelated relations- the one that leaves a strong mark on your lives. But if you were to analyze the essence of these relationships, you could find numerous deficiencies. As a child and as a parent what defines your priorities? What makes you an ideal parent or a child? Ask yourself this question that as a parent or as a child where do you stand in your family's life cycle. As a parent what have you given your child to hold on to? As a parent sit all by yourself and think about your children. Think as to what they have become and what they want to become. As their guardians, you should not cripple your children to your understanding.

Parents don't need to pressure the child with expectations and norms. They don't need to show them the world from a standing point and ignore their longings hidden inside their hearts. Parents assume their children to be natural followers of their path. At the end of the day are they giving their children the same lives that they lead?

Your child was brought up in a different world with education in abundance. If you give your child the right to educate then give them the right to explore the world and life too. Give them the right to be a person in their own right. Give them the confidence that they can stand on their feet without any support, without any gender demarcation. Do not differentiate your children by classifying them into slots. Do not misunderstand their thinking as a turn against your outlook. Children need a lot of patience and as parent one must work extremely hard to give nothing but more and vice-versa.

As parents your job doesn't end with the child's growth. In fact it's the grown-ups who need their parents more- to be able to talk to, heard and hold their chin up continuously during their lifetime. Parents and children, I believe, have both to learn from each other. Both have to learn more as to what they can give and perhaps take. No one is perfect, neither the parent nor the child but both refuse to accept each other's imperfections.

As parents one must stop looking at what your child is not and focus merely on what your child is. Children can be taught, can be given the best values but they can't be controlled or caged inside a particular atmosphere. They need space to discover themselves keeping their parent's upbringing intact. They want parents to acknowledge as to what they really are and commanded them for their achievements.

Many parents assume that they know their children. But the truth is that out of the busy schedule in our lives we hardly open the door to the hearts of our children and try and find out what's there, what's changed or what's growing. You need to have a constant rapport with your child and be their friend, philosopher and guide so that when they have achieved something in life and someone happens to question them about their success, they can unhesitatingly give the credit to you. As parents this could be the biggest gift a parent could get and a child could give.

It's not the physical things that stay with your child. It's the love and the bonding that attaches them to you no matter where they are. Sometimes a parent is near but we still keep longing for them. It's all about the connection of the hearts. Connection is the key word in a parent-child relationship. If this breaks then you have walked away from yourself. Your child is a part of you that spreads your soul around even when you are not around. It's a seed you need to nourish which is a never ending process. You need to keep the doors to your heart open and let them in whenever they want to and visit theirs from time to time. You need to give them the freedom and encouragement to climb Mount Everest and at the same time be right there to hold them in case they fall. Even if they fail you need to applaud their courage and not highlight their mistakes.

Parents should be able to give their children unlimited smiles and wipe their tears both visible and invisible. They need to tell their children "I know", "I understand", "It's okay", "don't worry", "I am there for you", "tomorrow is a new day", "good going" and "I love you" infinitely. Parents need to go for walks and share a joke with their kids. There has to be a greater involvement from both sides. It is a natural relationship that is a blessing from God. But at times we lose track of its essence. Consider yourself lucky to have children and have parents. But consider yourself even luckier if you have retained the connection throughout. For you have truly held the gem of life together to carry with you till eternity. It is not easy being a parent or being a child. But if only we keep the doors of our hearts open, we could always stay closer and fulfilled. Someone so rightly initiated "Parents hold their children's hands a while and their hearts forever!"

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Date: 28/07/2001
Title: My response to :"Wanted: A Son-in-law!"

Vinita has actually touched the pulse of every Indian girl. An Indian family's life starts from marriage and ends with marriage. Marriage is the only destination in our lives. We are not supposed to dream, we are not supposed to have ambitions and the word "career" is last in our priority list. Every Indian mother brings up her daughter with a dream that one day she will get married to a prince and live happily ever after in a palace. Believe it or not, if you asked my 6 year old niece what would she do when she grew up, after the small things she wants to do she says she'll get married. We as kids are brought up with the mind frame that ultimately marriage is our destination in life. It's actually built in us from generations and generations. Why do people think that marriage is a fairy tale that always ends with a "and they lived happily ever after". Marriage is not an end. It is a new beginning in life. You are actually starting a new chapter in life, not ending.

Marriage is definitely an important part of our life, for we have a new partner to walk with us in the road of life. And if this partner is the perfect match, you could walk miles and miles without ever stopping. But imagine if you are holding the wrong hand? It will no longer be an pleasant ride...Marriage should not be treated as an obligation one can't wait to get rid of or something you do because everyone around you is doing it. It is very easy to tie the knot but to maintain it that way all your life is no easy task by any means. You have to give it your 100%!

Yes, for Indian parents hunting a groom for marriage is a shopping escapade. Sometimes it seems as if they have gone shopping for jewellery or clothes or a car. Let's discuss this on a even more lighter note. Imagine a shopping mall for grooms. Every mum and dad would go shopping there on a weekend. They would first do window shopping and analyze the market. Then they would go to the sales person and this is how the conversation would be-

A prospective Dad: "Say, that guy seems quite a sight for sore eyes."
Sales man: "He's just finished his studies from abroad and his family owns a house in New York."

A prospective Dad: "Hmm, but isn't he a bit short? Don't you have someone in the same category with a better height?"
Salesman: "Let me see. all right you see that guy in black suit there. He's got a great job. He's the only son."

A prospective Dad: "Does he have a Mercedes?"
Salesman:"Not yet, but I bet very soon"
A prospective Dad: "I don't know, what do you think honey?"
A prospective Mum: "Well, let's keep him aside, we can still see what the other options are."
A prospective Dad: "Yeah, that would be wise"
Salesman: "How about this guy? He's average looking and he just expanded his business and does not drink or smoke. I just found a match for his brother and they are honeymooning in Switzerland as we speak."
A prospective Dad: "Why don't you give us the list. We'll discuss it with our daughter and tell you."
Salesman: "Well, don't waste more time because we have the first come, first serve offer!"

There you have it! I don't see much difference between marriage and marketing. They both even start with 'M'! All right, seriously speaking have you ever noticed our parents have everything figured out for us while there we are standing looking at our parents from far with our minds blank? They know what we could want but we have no idea what we actually want!

When you think of the Non resident Indians especially, Vinita so rightly says that they show their children the world, give them the best education, power to think, knowledge to understand but once they reach their 20s they are expected to get married with the best match available. A match where the choice lies in many people's hands. What is actually the best match? It's funny that people are hunting the right groom for you, while you have no idea what kind of a man you want. That's why when the next best thing comes along, we just accept it with open arms. We stop believing in our judgment and hand the thinking caps to our parents. Because marriage is our destination, we loose our focus in life. We don't have a thing called ambition in us. While other people are chasing a career we are chasing for a suitable groom.

I don't see anything wrong in marriage. No matter what age you get married, treat it as something you wanted to do it for yourself. It is certainly an important part of life and not our life. We are thrusting marriage as the only reality on our kids. Sometimes I feel that we are living a reality that is a dream and trying to chase dreams that will never be a reality.

[Every human being has "needs". Marriage legitimizes everything.]
Yes, every human being has needs. The need to be loved, the need to be understood, the need to be a focused human being and yes marriage too. How can marriage legitimize everything? Marriage is not a contract. It is not a means to your needs. Marriage is not the answer to all our needs in life! It can meet one need, but the rest would be highly presumptuous.

Marriage is so beautiful when two people madly in love unite like the colours of the rainbow. When your heart is into it, when you know what you are doing and when you are sure of what you are doing, bliss guarantees to honor your doorstep. Once you have found the ring that fits your finger perfectly you know you can wear it for better or worse in sickness or health. The question is where and how to find Mr. right? Do you seriously think there exists a Mr. right? I think that no one is completely right. It's our love or liking for them that makes them right for us. Hence the lyrics "You are the right kind of wrong" by Leane Rhymes make a lot of sense.

So now if you asked me to write a letter to my pops about Mr. right, my answer would be "Pops no matter what you say, no matter what you do Mr. right will find me somehow so can I go for a world tour now?" (lol) Come on did you actually think I would go on & on about Mr. right? Besides I think Vinita said exactly what I would have said;)

Uh, marriage thanks to Adam and eve or the inevitable traditional ritual!

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Date: 27/07/2001
Title: Wanted: A Son-in-law!

NOTE: This is a article quoted by Vinita Bharadwaj from a local magazine "Weekend", dated April 13, 2001.

All parents like mine at one point of time get to this shopping escapade where they want to find the right match for their daughters. This means hunting for my husband to be. The only funny thing being here they have a long list of criteria to match while I don't know what I like.

A few reasons why a daughter should marry early from the point of view of the father:
-We won't to look old at your wedding.
-We want a grand child.
-Every human being has "needs". Marriage legitimizes everything.
-We're concerned that you might be gay.
-It's our duty.
At times like these I wonder what perhaps Indian parents make the mistake of showing their children the world and expecting them to marry what they would have liked to married. And I return to ponder on my maxim that you cannot raise your children in New York and Honk Kong and expect them to be like they're from Nellore and Hosur.
By showing your child the world you give us the most incredible gift any parent can- the power to think, the power to grow, the power to be. But yet you want to snatch the fundamental right of a human from us-free will. If this is not an oxymoron then what is?
We live in a world where we are trying to convert our dreams into reality and are fighting for a life that is converting our dreams into reality. For some marriage, children and the like do not figure in the grand scheme of things. That's not their dream. Don't try to thrust it on them as a reality.

With this the writer writes a letter to her dad that so rightfully speaks for every Indian girl in their early 20s in the most humorous tone. It may seem like an exaggeration, yeah it is or is it? This is how it goes-

Dear Pops,

If I could sum up in one poem what it is I seek
Then I would be a woman of taste so very bleak.
The ideal man is not all that hard to find
Especially if he already resides in one's mind.
His frame is tall and lanky with a well-defined chin
Aquiline nose, French beard, perfect teeth within.
Impeccable taste in clothes, shoes and ties
Always a sight for tired and sore eyes.
Well versed in Dante, Marlowe and Alexander Pope
All subjects under the sun are well within his scope.
Passionate about Chopin, Chaurasia and ballet
The arts especially music and literature are his forte.
A rapturous sense of humour to match his eloquence
He is a philosopher and a dreamer with common sense.
He does not believe in love yet is in search of it
He is a man of immense courage and grit.
A die-hard romantic and idealist
He is also the eternal optimist.
This may seem like a very tall order
But one need not cross too many borders.
To find the prefect man of mine
He exists-it's only a matter of time.
Before we stumble upon him
And then marry him I will!

Note 2: Isn't this an incredible thought and the best way to put it too? I also think that's the best written letter and poem ever. Now in the next entry I will write my viewpoint on this topic, on the writer's thoughts and whether I agree with it all or disagree partially. You better watch out for the next entry. Let's see where the writer and myself meet in this viewpoint! But once again a applause for this remarkable writer. Bravo is the word to describe it all the way!

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Date: 19/07/2001
Title: Friendship excels

There's something about friends and meeting them. It's like that few hours can rejuvenate every nerve in your soul. It can revitalize your mind to a fresh perspective. That one conversation is like taking a dip in a pool of peace. This whole feeling is stronger when your friendship is built on years of togetherness and a history that unites the group in a unbreakable bond. You may be enjoying an evening out and suddenly you may toast with a statement "Cheers to a decade of friendship". It's then you realize the strength and length of the friendship. You realize that's it friends like these that actually light up your life like a hundred volt bulb.

What is amazing is that over the years nothing much has changed. You are doing the same things, laughing and giggling in the same fashion, trying out new adventures, you are still having the outings consisting of the regular activities, you still disagree to reach an agreement and still look forward to another outing not with the different but these same activities. You don't expect anything different but the usual which you are so very used to. What changes over the years is your maturity levels and yes the decline in the number of members. These are the same friends who have known you over the years of your growth and are still there beside you. It's like this one meeting energizes you for weeks and you say to yourself "Okay I can back get to life for a while now". That one meeting actually separates you from the happenings of your life and helps you live a totally different character for a while, a character that you cannot share with everyone and anyone. It's as if your whole personality comes out in a different form. You tend to close your eyes on the rest of the world. It's like you are savoring a different flavor of life rather than eating the usual routine every day.

Sometimes an outlet from your normal life becomes necessary and that is exactly what your friends can give you. Nothing in this world can beat the coziness, amiability and hilarity bestowed by friendship. Someone so rightly said "A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words".

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 Date: 17/07/2001
Title: Step by step "mis-understanding"!

What would you do when your heart is being stepped by people from left and right? Not much, except bear the pain of being a culprit just for their happiness. Sometimes you make a lot of sacrifices, you shuffle your ego on the other side, you give in, and you sip the bitter words just to maintain peace around you. It is this peace that actually makes the atmosphere amiable. But you know who the real culprit here is? It's nothing but misunderstanding. It is these misunderstandings that actually strangle the feelings of many relationships. How do you get over these misunderstandings for as one gets resolved, another is born?

The power of these misunderstandings is so high that they actually deceive the other person. A situation arises when your extreme love for the person is misunderstood, when the dumbness of that person is misunderstood, the immaturity of that person is misunderstood, the nature of that person is misunderstood and all that is visible is a very misinterpreted side of that person.

Misunderstanding in any form is nothing but the irony of relationships. Can't we look beyond these misunderstandings? Can't we realize that these ever growing misunderstandings are actually killing the relationship and that people are drifting apart? Are you going to let a single misunderstanding multiply? Are you going to let these misunderstandings come in the way of the unique and adorable bond that you share? One fine day you may wake up and you may realize "Oh she's or he's not the person, she/he used to be". Have you ever wondered why? It's all the web of misunderstandings that is trapping your sense and sensibility. The moment you let these misunderstandings build up, you cannot look in the eye of that person with a pleasant mindset. Then one day you realize that "We two are on different platforms" and why is that so? The answer is "because he/she doesn't understand me". But who understands everyone. If we all understood each other so easily and completely then would there be such a thing as breakup or divorce or enemies? There wouldn't exist such people as psychiatric therapist or marriage counselors. And why expect the other person to understand all the time? We are all humans and we must let go off certain weak points or else it can become difficult to live with each other.

Sometimes too much love for the person lets us take things for granted and we start to burden that person. Understanding is not about being perfect or being a mirror for the other person. It's about compromises, trying to come on common platforms and sacrificing your ego. My advice in life is that do not let a misunderstanding build the failure of your relationships. Come over it. Look at the person beyond it. So he/she couldn't understand you this time. It's not that he/she doesn't try and certainly not that he/she doesn't care. Try to clear the air. Try to get to the person's heart. If there is clarity in the person's heart and in that person's feelings for you, the outer reactions should not matter. Not all people are good at showing exactly how or what they feel for you, so don't hold that against the person. The more you increase the distance because of the misunderstanding, the more you lose the person and before you realize the relationship has actually lost its charm. So let your relationship live. Let go off misunderstandings, and you will see that your relationship will be healthier. If you are close to someone today, I think you would like to share this closeness forever, leaving no room for regrets. A sacrifice made today will build the future of your brighter tomorrow. Learn to separate the "mis" from the "understanding".

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Date: 30/06/2001
Title: Family ties...

God's greatest gift to us in life is our family. In a century where information technology rules, it seems that family's definition is changing. It seems as if the family is heading the IT way; all we have between each other is emails, phone calls and a few days here and there. Everybody wants to become something in life and in between our careers, goals, business and our work priorities where does our family stand?

Do you remember that when you are having a meeting with your very profitable clients there's someone waiting for you at home on the dinner table? Then maybe you may remember in the middle of the meeting and give a very brief call-"Honey I am stuck up here, I'll be late". We are all running after money, status, position and material things forgetting the most important priority in our life which is our family.

Even if you prefer a nuclear family, the interaction within that small unit is so limited. Due to work stress and burden, relationships are becoming so mechanical. It's like 8'o clock breakfast, 9'o meeting, then something else. Therefore we are following a routine based life, so if you are in that routine then you get your attention else you are left out. Over the time we get so used to the routine that we start treating people like chores. Where are those days when you come home and first greet each other with a smile, talk about the day's happenings and pleasant things, share a joke, play games and simply relax together. These days we are bothered about so many other things that you lay your foot on the door- step with a shriek, the moment the door opens, "did you get the tape?", "did you call the cleaners?", "where's my new shirt?", "You were so careless with the electricity bill this time", "Tell the kids to keep quite", "Let's eat quickly", "I don't have time today, maybe some other day?"
You are out on a walk but your mobile constantly tucked over your ear. Everybody is so hooked up in their own things that they develop different priorities, different interests, different paths and even develop a sub-life disconnected with the key members. We all have turned into workaholics and that's what we are living for actually-our work.

Each family member is like a body part of one body. One of you is the eye, someone the hands and so on. Do not act like you are different parts working independently. Head towards your achievements but do not forget someone in this ride. In the middle of your meetings, in the middle of profits or losses you attain, in the middle of promotions you get, in the middle of new clients you get your business, in the middle of over-times, or in the middle of your career ladder, do not forget the most important reason for these that is your family- your loved ones. You are all assigned a few hours of work, work that time sincerely, after those hours, breathe the fresh air and assign the rest of the time to your family. Your family may be getting very less of you, make the most of it. Do things together and talk a lot, exchange smiles and hugs and go for as many outings as you can.

The best thing out of the whole day that you can give your family is "YOU".

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Date: 14/06/2001
Title: Love today, gone tomorrow

Michael calls David and tells him that he's fallen in love with Dorret. After six months they talk again and when David queries about Dorret, he replies with "Oh, that didn't work out!" What does this tell you? In today's world practically every Tom, Dick and Harry claims to be in love with someone or the other but after a few months when someone better comes along they change partners as if they are changing trains or apartments. Think about this. This could be one of your friends or maybe even you. On an average notice the number of affairs a person goes through in their youth. I am not against dating but why do people have to label it as 'love'? What is love to these people? It's like from January till June they are in love but when July starts their feelings start dimming and before they know it they realize that they have fallen out of love. Falling in love is one thing but falling out of love is totally unbelievable or else they would claim that "I still love you but I love Jerry too!"

The statement "I love you" is merely a fashion statement, a certificate of a relationship or courtship. This whole thing about 'I love you -you love me' relationship is coupling with a person who has no one better than you to get. You get into these sort of things to make yourself feel important, being popular and wanted, to get a mode of happiness and just someone who would hold your hand when you are sad and go out to the movie with. This is all a phase. There will be a time when you are crazy about someone, you will long for him, you would die to get his one look, his one smile would make you go 'ooh-aah', he would give you butterflies in your stomach, one evening out with him will lift you up high, you would wait for a flower from him on Valentine's, you would wait for that person to propose to you, you would take extreme measures to be noticed by him, you would even change your route to bump into him, you would have waited a whole day to meet him and you would pretend to be astonished to see him when actually you found out what time and where he would be from his friend, you would stay awake all night when you may have been asked for a dance by him, you would be on the seventh heaven when he proposes you, if he's someone else's guy you would keep staring at him from far every single day longing that some day they break up and you would be his girl, he would stay up all night creating a tune for you just to get you back when you are angry with him, you would write poetry on him and when you get into an accident you would immediately assume it was due to his thoughts when for all you know it was just stress from work or school.

In short, all these actions or feelings could be termed as a crush, obsession, attraction, liking or simply madness. I do not say that there is no such thing as true love, maybe there is. This whole love thing to me is just a phase. Look around to notice the amount of break ups & patch ups among your peers and the unnecessary pains they go through . The problem is that people don't realize the difference between love, liking and friendship and even if they do, they pretend it to be love. Probably they want it so badly to happen that they just try to convince the other person and themselves that it is love. Maybe it is because the person next to me is in love then I must be in love too. We all are so fascinated by this whole love thing that the moment something attractive comes in our lives we are eager to term it as love immediately and we accept it like a lottery ticket. We can't wait to call our friends and tell them about it. We are actually in love with the idea of falling in love. Ask yourself as to your feelings for a certain person and compare it with your past and present feelings. If you truly love someone, would you hold your hands with someone else in front of the person you have just broken up with? Today no one cares-not the breaker, nor the broken. My belief is that love happens just once but in our minds it happens so many times because we are not sure about our feelings. In your mind many a times you would say that "Maybe I am in love with that person" but there is no reason to bring this statement out so soon. That's where we all make errors. Once we bring this thought out in front of the other person, the whole relationship is based on an assumption. But the truth is that just stay away from that person for some time, say one whole month and see the difference for yourself. I am sure you have heard the statement "Out of sight, out of mind". You would either have found someone better or this person may have lost his/her space in your mind. At this point I would definitely say, "Love is like a pimple, here today, gone tomorrow"!

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Date: 23/02/2001
Title: Arranged versus love

The never ending debate continues- "Arranged versus love marriage". Arranged marriages, say what? I mean think about it, just meeting a guy and then tying the knot within a couple of meetings doesn't sound a bit risky? Do both parties show their true colours? No, we all try to be good and pretend to be perfect. But the truth is that no one shows their true identity to anyone so easily. You cannot know a person in a few hours right? He may seem rich, good-looking, pleasing, gentle, sweet, smart talker and a hunk you can't stop staring at, but is he the one with whom you want to spend the rest of your life? Will there be compatibility and understanding between you? You can smile with him for those few minutes but are they enough to make the crucial decision? You may start liking him in a few hours but do you think you will fall in love with him too? He may seem like a perfect proposal but the question is, is he perfect for you? A stranger just walks into your life some day and just in a couple of meetings you give him your entire life just because you liked his personality? What if after marriage you realize that both of you belong to totally different worlds? While in love, you fall in love and then approach marriage, in arranged circumstances you have to wait to fall in love with your partner. There are some of us, who assume that just because you got married to him, you fell in love that very moment. How dumb!

Come to think of it, love marriage can be understood from the phrase "Love is blind". So when you are in love, nothing matters, whether he's a notorious gangster or a total idiot. What matters is that you have lost your heart to him and marriage can be imagined only with him. But once you get married, I feel you slowly regain your vision and look at love and marriage in completely different perspective. But yes, at least there is a satisfaction, you are getting married to someone who you know for his good and mostly even bad. You have fallen in love with his heart and thus marriage doesn't seem hesitant or uncertain any more. I guess there is something really special about love marriages. They say, pairs are made in heaven. Marriage is the meeting of two souls and that's what it should be, whether out of love or arranged. You have to be able to accept your partner for what he/she is. If you can do that, you can look forward to a blissful marriage life. Both of you walk towards each other and find common grounds. Yes, maybe marriage is about rediscovering yourself, your heart, and reinventing a life for "us" rather than "me".

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Date: 14/12/2000
Title: The after marriage syndrome...

One day everyone gets married. Marriage- a commitment for life, a compromise gifted in a pack of love. For me, as a single lady, to define marriage is like commenting on United States Of America without visiting it. We all know about America since it's the world power, but not all of us have visited it. The same goes for marriage. We all see our friends and loved ones getting married one by one. Therefore, for now when we are single, we look at marriage through other person's vision and experiences.

A man looks at marriage in a different way as compared to a woman. In fact, when they enter a marriage, 90% of the time both of them enter the marriage with different expectations no matter how similar they may seem. The brain of a man is different from that of a woman, but then it's the opposite that attracts them! One day or the another you are going to meet the right person and you will end up giving your freedom to that person. But then you are willing to take that chance and give your freedom to that person because he going to do the same? If you go one step for that person, he will go one step for you too. Anyway, my point is reflected when you talk to your friends after they've gotten married. I could cite many cases that I have recently come across.

My perspective at first is from the girl's point of view. I called a friend after she got married, her "hello' sounded totally different. She suddenly started talking like she had seen it all. Her personality turned so cold. That vivaciousness evaporated and her identity was lost..And then you ask her "So how's married life?". She says" huh(with a sigh),it's totally different but it's good but then you take time to adjust it". I haven't talked to this friend for more than a year now. There's no sign of her till the North pole. Then you turn to your next friend, telling her, "Hey you are next, you got to be different". She says, "of course I can't change". The next time you call her, " You know what? It's a very stressful life at the moment, I'll call you when I come out of it". OK, so much for you too. Then there's another friend, my next door neighbour, "Marriage has brought about the best in me." OK, we have at least one winner. But you talk to her after one year and she's like, "Hmm you know there are the ups and downs but then you should do this , don't do this.". Hey, I get what you are trying to say!! Then there's a friend who goes on and on about her good husband and her perfectly married life. That's when you see right through her, when someone tries to create castles to cover a hut, it becomes pretty obvious. Then there are some other friends who do not lose the identity and try to show you the true picture. As one of my dear friend puts it-" Enjoy life while you are not married. Marriage is something we have never been into. It's a whole new world, a whole new ball game! sigh!, I really miss that mall where we used to rag all the cute guys!(sigh)!!" Now that's something I could relate to! There's another friends who tells me "You don't know what you are missing!" . I guess one day I'll find out too!

Try to ease drop a conversation between two guys "So how's marriage life?". Here are some of the answers-"Ha,ha,ha,ha. It's not bad"; or "man, she's under my control" and they share a hi-five; or "I don't see much of a difference except that I can't go out with my friends at night and I have to go shopping with her every Sunday!!". So the conclusion is, yes, life changes for sure after marriage. You embrace marriage, you embrace compromise. For when you have to share a room, cupboards, bathrooms, secrets, combs, television, mostly your freedom,and practically everything,then nothing is that easy to accept. But then, you build on a new life, you shape your own world and create a smile out of a confused expression. Who knows what may come out of it! For her experience cannot be your experience too.

What amuses me is the funniest perspective on marriage that I come across. Before marriage the response is "I am thinking...." and after marriage it's "I am still thinking.....!!!!!!!!!!!! " There's a saying in hindi-"Marriage is a sweet, which you regret if you do eat or even if you don't".

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Date: 15/10/2000
Title: Understanding beyond boundaries

Dictionary meaning of understanding-showing insight or sympathy; ability to understand; compassionate, considerate, kind; etc.

Do you understand me? Do I understand you? Does anyone ever understand anyone here? That's the whole journey about- understanding but it's such a difficult task. Even as I write this, how many of you understand or even are interested in what I am writing. A very few group of people would be my guess. How many of you understand a poem and what emotions and thoughts are actually behind it?

The greatest tragedy of all is that there are very few people who really understand you. On the contrary, they misunderstand you or end up criticizing you or making fun of you. In this world you have to measure your words and modify it according to people and places but isn't that a bit annoying at times? You have to be ready for an unexpected response or an unappreciated deed. How many of you are actually ready to put your foot down to accommodate someone? It's always that she doesn't understand me or she can't understand me. But have you tried for once to try to understand where she's coming from? We always keep wanting & judging. Instead the key is to try to first create a common ground for both to survive. You go one step further and then I take one step and thus create a common level of understanding so that something can survive between us and we can create a unbreakable bond of togetherness. You couldn't get though me once, no harm in trying again. It's not about just calling me your friend or exchanging gifts. It's when I am mentally down, and don't call you for days, and when you come to me and I tell you "Get out of my sight! I don't want to talk to you". At this time you have to understand that I am about to breakdown into tears and I need your shoulder for your support and your companionship to cool me down.

If these seem senseless words to you, I won't get offended as you can't understand me but somehow if these words were able to get through you, then I find both of us on common ground of understanding!

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Date: 18/10/2000
Title: Love and Eternity

Love, commitment..huh! Heard it, seen it, don't want to hear any more! Why is the word love such a big fuss in this world??

It is so difficult to give your heart to someone or fall in love with anyone so easily. The more you think about, the bigger your wants become. Do you actually know what love means before evaluating it? What do you want in a person? It could be: someone with whom you can say anything at any time; someone who really wants to be yours and vice-versa ; someone who'll make you feel at total ease; someone with whom you don't have to pretend; someone whose touch can light flames of warmth inside you; finally when you look into that someone's eyes you would be able to find yourself! It's not about meeting intellectual levels, but meeting your wanting levels.

I was walking on the corniche today and I saw couples hand in hand walking and talking. One look at them I saw love dripping from them. That's what love should be- obvious! Someone told me that attraction is the first step to love in the future. I don't understand what attraction has to do with love being the only result. An attraction can result in a fling too. You'll have hundreds of these flings when you go to the discotheque or adventurous outings, does that mean you'll fall in love with all of them? How many of us even remember an attractive face we see in such alcoholic evenings? Secondly, let's consider that maybe you are right, maybe attraction must be the first sign of love. But for that you cannot ask for it to happen in one or two meetings. You must know a person a bit well to have any kind of attraction between each other. You can't expect a person to light up like a fire-cracker the moment you lay eyes on her/him.

What attracts a person to another? Maybe it's their sense of humour or their smile or the way they walk or the way they deal with situations. It can be anything and it differs from person to person. But to base your entire concept of love on attraction isn't realistic. Attractions are temporary but love is forever! You know what matters to me? Not that every single day you come and tell me " I love you" That doesn't make me love you. But, when I have an important meeting and you are in London, you make it a point that you call me to wish me luck no matter how odd the time difference may be in the two cities; or if I cannot face a certain problem, you hold my hand and are on my side all the time encouraging me constantly that I can do it; or if somehow we end up in a disagreement, you try your best to find a common meeting level to please both of us. To me love is the sum of all these small-small things- not gifts, or parties, or mere words.

You don't have to be perfect in love. Don't expect a person with a complete package of Mr. right! There are no born ideal couples, you have to make them. If you ever give your heart to a person, do it for your sake, not for others or not to show the world. In love it doesn't matter who you are dreaming of but what also matters is who's dreaming of you!

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